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Nevertheless, I am still here

by Anja
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Excuse my absence.

I’ve gone through the mother of all shit storms and though I fought tooth and nail to find a solution, I am left with an empty and broken heart.

It’s not easy to pick yourself up after the love of your life, with whom you shared many wonderful years with, suddenly despises you.

To say that my self-esteem has taken a hit is an understatement. I feel inadequate, useless and ugly, like the worst human being on this tiny blue dot in space…

…and yet I have the need to pull myself up, even if I’m currently surrounded by sadness, anger, disappointment and anxiety in an empty home.

As a depression sufferer, I know how difficult it is to get up every morning, get dressed and give life another try. I’ve also learned that there’s no use in running away from all those negative feelings. They will catch up with you eventually, chew you up and spit you out. With time, I’ve learned to take a Zen like approach: I go with the flow, no matter how earth shattering these feelings are, I glide through that huge wave of anger or sadness, absorb it and then I do my best to let go. Some days are better than others.

Now I have to get used to the fact that I’m completely responsible for myself (and my cats). Though I wish the days ahead would look brighter, I know they’re going to require all of my strength, hard work and creativity to support myself financially. Now it’s up to me to keep my fur babies well fed and taken care of, and keep this household running in a more frugal way while doing my best to practice some well needed self-care.

Part of my self-care is starting a meditation practice. After wanting to do this for a while but wrestling with my introvert self, I finally had the courage to join a meditation community, where I hope to find some much-needed inner peace.

I’m slowly getting my head together but I know I can’t expect everything to fall into place after a few days, heck, maybe they won’t settle in weeks but I’ve chosen a motto to keep me centered and motivated: “Nevertheless, she persisted.”, although I’m taking it out of its original context, it makes me want to fight all the odds that are against me today. My hope is to come out of this failure a better, wiser and stronger person.

Also, as part of my self-care, I’ve created an embroidery pattern with this phrase to work through the pain. I’ll be adding a DIY in the next weeks for this if you want to join me. You can download the free pattern here.

Thanks for reading. Take care.
anja

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