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I don't like rollercoasters

I’m burned out

by Anja
0 comment

I’m really burned out, my friend.

Since January, my life has felt like a rollercoaster ride. And not the fun kind.

I don’t even like rollercoasters. It doesn’t matter if they’re real or emotional ones.

I’m not fond of the feeling they provoke in the depths of my chest. Come to think of it, I’m not into adrenaline-filled experiences.

I’m happy binge-watching Supernatural or The Boys on the couch in the company of my cats and some potato chips with Sriracha. Watching Sam & Dean, Hughie & the gang fighting against evil, or spending afternoons and evenings sewing. That’s as far as my thrill-seeking life goes.

The first half of 2022 has been a ride that drained me. It’s been due to stress and anxiety I’ve carried with me since January when Nina got sick.

Jacaranda flower on stones

After Nina passed away, Morgan was diagnosed with a fatty liver and an enlarged spleen. First, his liver had to be treated to even consider the surgery to remove his spleen. A decision I’m still pondering. As much as I love my cat, I don’t want him to go through more suffering or an uncertain future. Plus, I can’t afford the costs of surgery. But that’s a topic for another time.

In what seems like a terrible cosmic prank, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease last month. While it was evident that she wasn’t doing well for most of this year, this news hit me like a ton of bricks.

At the moment, until the meds kick in to help her regain most of her mobility, she depends on me for most things. I’ve been driving her to physical therapy & doctor’s appointments, buying her groceries, doing a few chores around her home, and helping her with paperwork. I love helping her out as much as possible, but keeping up with everything has been exhausting.

I’m not motivated enough to sit in front of the sewing machine and finish some work once I get home. Not even for ten minutes, which is unfortunate.

Cacti in Black & White

There are days when I feel guilty for stepping away from work. I should be making videos to post on YouTube, the odd Reel for Instagram to help grow my account, writing patterns, blog posts, and emails. 

I should be sewing new dolls and snapping pictures for the grid. But I can’t. No matter how often I kick myself in the butt, I’m not capable of even crafting for fun.

I guess I’m grieving Nina’s loss, Morgan’s diagnosis, and my mom’s illness. At least, that’s the only explanation I have for how I feel right now and why I procrastinate as an escape to help me cope.

This also affects my body, and I’m starting to develop health problems. None of the stress-reducing strategies I’ve used before seem to work now. Meditation and Yoga barely scratch the surface. My body is riddled with muscle knots, and my stomach is acting up more frequently.

After so many setbacks, I’m overwhelmed and scared. There’s no one else to take care of my mom. I can’t afford to get sick now.

I must put releases and projects on hold until things return to a bit of normalcy. It sucks because doll-making is my primary source of income, and these pandemic years haven’t been generous with my little endeavor.

So far, I still haven’t found a way to recover from burnout other than resting, and I wish I had some solution to offer you if you’re going through this as well. I guess, sometimes, all you can do for yourself is take a break and take it slow. I know running on an empty gas tank is not an option.

If you’re going through this, know you’re not alone. I’m sending positive vibes your way, hoping you’ll get out of this rut soon.

If you’ve recovered successfully from burnout, I’d appreciate it if you could share your tips and struggles below in the comments. Thanks so much in advance! 😊

anja

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